Robbing a Bank in One Easy Step

Don't do it.

Robbing a ATM/Cash Machine in Five Easy Steps

Want a bit of cash quick and easy without tax? Rob a cash machine!

1) Do not do what is demonstrated in the cartoon, it is silly.

2) Get a bulldozer of some sort and wear a balaclava.

3) Attack the ATM with the bulldozer. Most cash machines don't put up much of a fight

4) Take ATM with you in the bulldozer.

5) When you get home, enjoy the cash.

Please send me some.

Money Problems?

Are you in debt? Do you want to be free from all your money problems and to lose all that worry that you have surrounding you due to your inablity to keep yourself from over-spending?

Follow these tips very carefully...

i) Stop spending so much!!

ii) Buy cheaper things

iii) Steal lots of money from charities. What? It worked for plenty of bankers

iv) Steal from the homeless. Look, in case you feel bad about doing this, it's either you steal from them or you end up like them, which will it be?

v) Pinch the dollar bills concealed in your Granny's teapot. Yes, that's right, she will keep her savings in her teapot, I promise you, go and have a look and comment 'You're right!'

and finally vi) DON'T GET INTO DEBT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

Wise advice, I'm sure you'll agree.

When Under Attack

You will be under attack at some point in your life and this blog post is going to help you to deal with all the issues that will come with that.

Basically... RUN

Fast.

That's all really. When under attack get out of there. He who fights and runs away will live to fight another day. Although he might not want to fight another day...

How To Cover Up (2)

In the post below you will see I have advised you to cover up your racist tendencies with lies, and it is with this same excellent tactic that I am going to help you to cover up any sins that may stand in the way of you and your world dominating ambition. I will also be using the tactic of 'disposal'

Sins could include the killing of an enemy. If you were to look to the Bible you will see that Moses's quest for domination was severely impaired by his killing a man he had a simple argument with. He had to spend the next forty years of his life in hiding. Forty years is a long time, and once you are that old you may find that world domination is not as important to you as the cure for arthritis.

To avoid this type of problem, I suggest you refrain from killing anyone, and if you must kill someone, please choose a better reason than a simple disagreement. If you find that you are tending toward killing people left right and center, maybe it is better for us all that you discontinue this course and spend the rest of your days in a maximum security prison.

First off if you have killed anyone, and it's a rare occurrence for you, I urge you to find all those that know and kill them too. If you blackmail them you will have resources drained from you for the rest of your life, and this could mean that as fast as I am teaching you to earn money you will be spending it keeping people quiet.

I am not telling you to kill anyone, as I am liable to be sued if I were to do that, I am merely telling you what you are thinking you should do.

Secondly, once you've killed someone (hopefully this person is not me) you will have to cover up their death in a spectacular way, so as to avoid being caught. To do this you will need an accomplice who you plan to 'dispose of' in five years. Make sure the aforementioned accomplice does not read this blog or they will be planning to do away with you!!

The accomplice will provide the alibi of course!

I will provide you with no more advice about dead people for now because at this present moment I am sitting in a darkened room with a very dark outside glaring at me through my large French Windows and I am scaring myself badly with all this talk of death. There is another window behind me so someone could be reading this and planning to kill me!! The thought!

Please come back later. If I never post again, you will know what happened to me. Some may say it serves me right for betraying the ways of how to rule the world

How To Cover Up (1)

You may wonder how to keep people interested in supporting you when you clearly have racist, sexist or ageist tendencies. I'm not condoning anyone having such tendencies of course, but I will clearly show you how to keep minions happy.

Say for example that you have an unreasonable and prejudicial dislike for 'gingers' as the British call them.

Most people would know them as red-heads. You, however are terrified of them and hate them with a passion. Should anyone find out about this weakness, your quest could possibly be doomed. On the other hand people might form an army with you (much like back in Hitler's time) - march on all unsuspecting red-headed people and shave them bald.

The above scenario is extremely unlikely, so you will need my good advice. I have excellent advice at all times. Although that is what my Grandmother used to say and now she's dead - not such good advice there eh? I digress...

You can have this hatred of red-heads and survive within the bounds of normality for as long as possible, but one day someone will say "You hate red-heads don't you?"

DO NOT BLUSH

You must be able to look them in the eye and tell the boldest of bald lies. (And yes, the spelling there is 100% correct) You must say

"Red-heads? (or 'three legged people' or 'gypsies' - you get my point) - My best friend is a red-head how can I hate them?!"
If the person you're speaking to knows you well, tweak it a bit.
"One of my best friends is a red-head. No, you won't know them, they live in Scotland, yeah"

Most people haven't been to Scotland. If you are acquainted with someone who has been to Scotland it is now time for you to take your leave of this course. It was nice knowing you.

Are you Loyal?

One of the questions you must ask yourself to cleanse your mind of all doubt is 'Am I loyal?'

There are two possible answers.
Answerer A "I am as loyal as the Sun is to the Moon. I will protect those I love to the death and if I care for you, I will forever be loyal to your name"


Answerer B: "Loyalty? Me? Ha! I have my carefully chosen friends, of course, but if any of them were standing between me and victory I would push them aside and grab my glory!"


Now to the moment of truth: Would those of you who answered to A please leave this blog and never return; you have none of the highly respected qualities of a leader, especially one who hopes to rule the world. You must be willing to sell your grandmother for a dime if you are going to be hardened enough to make it as a leader of this cruel world.

If you find that you have vestiges of loyalty in you but want to get rid of them so as to be eligible for the Ruler of The World job, please take the above advice and sell your grandmother for a dime.

Once the batty little old woman is out of your life and paying her own way working as a... cleaner (Get your minds out of that gutter) you will find you are one step closer to your lifelong dream.

If your lifelong dream has been to win American Idol, I'm sorry to inform you that we are on different wavelengths and you have found the wrong website, please exit the way you came.