Robbing a Bank in One Easy Step

Don't do it.

Robbing a ATM/Cash Machine in Five Easy Steps

Want a bit of cash quick and easy without tax? Rob a cash machine!

1) Do not do what is demonstrated in the cartoon, it is silly.

2) Get a bulldozer of some sort and wear a balaclava.

3) Attack the ATM with the bulldozer. Most cash machines don't put up much of a fight

4) Take ATM with you in the bulldozer.

5) When you get home, enjoy the cash.

Please send me some.

Money Problems?

Are you in debt? Do you want to be free from all your money problems and to lose all that worry that you have surrounding you due to your inablity to keep yourself from over-spending?

Follow these tips very carefully...

i) Stop spending so much!!

ii) Buy cheaper things

iii) Steal lots of money from charities. What? It worked for plenty of bankers

iv) Steal from the homeless. Look, in case you feel bad about doing this, it's either you steal from them or you end up like them, which will it be?

v) Pinch the dollar bills concealed in your Granny's teapot. Yes, that's right, she will keep her savings in her teapot, I promise you, go and have a look and comment 'You're right!'

and finally vi) DON'T GET INTO DEBT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

Wise advice, I'm sure you'll agree.

When Under Attack

You will be under attack at some point in your life and this blog post is going to help you to deal with all the issues that will come with that.

Basically... RUN

Fast.

That's all really. When under attack get out of there. He who fights and runs away will live to fight another day. Although he might not want to fight another day...

How To Cover Up (2)

In the post below you will see I have advised you to cover up your racist tendencies with lies, and it is with this same excellent tactic that I am going to help you to cover up any sins that may stand in the way of you and your world dominating ambition. I will also be using the tactic of 'disposal'

Sins could include the killing of an enemy. If you were to look to the Bible you will see that Moses's quest for domination was severely impaired by his killing a man he had a simple argument with. He had to spend the next forty years of his life in hiding. Forty years is a long time, and once you are that old you may find that world domination is not as important to you as the cure for arthritis.

To avoid this type of problem, I suggest you refrain from killing anyone, and if you must kill someone, please choose a better reason than a simple disagreement. If you find that you are tending toward killing people left right and center, maybe it is better for us all that you discontinue this course and spend the rest of your days in a maximum security prison.

First off if you have killed anyone, and it's a rare occurrence for you, I urge you to find all those that know and kill them too. If you blackmail them you will have resources drained from you for the rest of your life, and this could mean that as fast as I am teaching you to earn money you will be spending it keeping people quiet.

I am not telling you to kill anyone, as I am liable to be sued if I were to do that, I am merely telling you what you are thinking you should do.

Secondly, once you've killed someone (hopefully this person is not me) you will have to cover up their death in a spectacular way, so as to avoid being caught. To do this you will need an accomplice who you plan to 'dispose of' in five years. Make sure the aforementioned accomplice does not read this blog or they will be planning to do away with you!!

The accomplice will provide the alibi of course!

I will provide you with no more advice about dead people for now because at this present moment I am sitting in a darkened room with a very dark outside glaring at me through my large French Windows and I am scaring myself badly with all this talk of death. There is another window behind me so someone could be reading this and planning to kill me!! The thought!

Please come back later. If I never post again, you will know what happened to me. Some may say it serves me right for betraying the ways of how to rule the world

How To Cover Up (1)

You may wonder how to keep people interested in supporting you when you clearly have racist, sexist or ageist tendencies. I'm not condoning anyone having such tendencies of course, but I will clearly show you how to keep minions happy.

Say for example that you have an unreasonable and prejudicial dislike for 'gingers' as the British call them.

Most people would know them as red-heads. You, however are terrified of them and hate them with a passion. Should anyone find out about this weakness, your quest could possibly be doomed. On the other hand people might form an army with you (much like back in Hitler's time) - march on all unsuspecting red-headed people and shave them bald.

The above scenario is extremely unlikely, so you will need my good advice. I have excellent advice at all times. Although that is what my Grandmother used to say and now she's dead - not such good advice there eh? I digress...

You can have this hatred of red-heads and survive within the bounds of normality for as long as possible, but one day someone will say "You hate red-heads don't you?"

DO NOT BLUSH

You must be able to look them in the eye and tell the boldest of bald lies. (And yes, the spelling there is 100% correct) You must say

"Red-heads? (or 'three legged people' or 'gypsies' - you get my point) - My best friend is a red-head how can I hate them?!"
If the person you're speaking to knows you well, tweak it a bit.
"One of my best friends is a red-head. No, you won't know them, they live in Scotland, yeah"

Most people haven't been to Scotland. If you are acquainted with someone who has been to Scotland it is now time for you to take your leave of this course. It was nice knowing you.

Are you Loyal?

One of the questions you must ask yourself to cleanse your mind of all doubt is 'Am I loyal?'

There are two possible answers.
Answerer A "I am as loyal as the Sun is to the Moon. I will protect those I love to the death and if I care for you, I will forever be loyal to your name"


Answerer B: "Loyalty? Me? Ha! I have my carefully chosen friends, of course, but if any of them were standing between me and victory I would push them aside and grab my glory!"


Now to the moment of truth: Would those of you who answered to A please leave this blog and never return; you have none of the highly respected qualities of a leader, especially one who hopes to rule the world. You must be willing to sell your grandmother for a dime if you are going to be hardened enough to make it as a leader of this cruel world.

If you find that you have vestiges of loyalty in you but want to get rid of them so as to be eligible for the Ruler of The World job, please take the above advice and sell your grandmother for a dime.

Once the batty little old woman is out of your life and paying her own way working as a... cleaner (Get your minds out of that gutter) you will find you are one step closer to your lifelong dream.

If your lifelong dream has been to win American Idol, I'm sorry to inform you that we are on different wavelengths and you have found the wrong website, please exit the way you came.

Phobia

Before you start on your money making schemes that I will advise you upon, I would like to urge you to create some phobias. The use for phobias will be presented in a list:


1) You will find that it is a legit excuse to get out of doing work


2) People will find you interesting, especially if it is a rare and hilarious phobia


3) You will impress with your ability to use big words. i.e. - Cathisophobia - the fear of sitting.


4) The aforementioned phobia could get you out of sitting through an entire church service, should those you love be the type to want you to sit through mass without sleeping.


5) You will find that all the ladies are concerned. If you are a girl, the ladies may not be as concerned, but you are sure to find some wimpy gentleman to compare phobias with.


Now that I have given you some pointers, go out and find a few phobias of your own! I can recommend a few, giving reason as to why you should have them...


i) Clinophobia - fear of going to bed. I think we can all see how this one would come in handy. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm saying.... you young children who have a bedtime. 


ii) Mageirocophobia - Want that lady to make you a sandwich? Here is your card handed to you on a plate (fitting eh?) Magerirocophobia is the fear of cooking! 


iii) Soceraphobia - Want a good excuse why to remain single and not be caught up into a matrimonial whirl by your stalker as you attempt to rule the world? Here is your key. The fear of parents-in-law.


iv) You know this will come in useful - Ergophobia - the fear of working!


v) Finally the most useful of them all. Well, not useful.. more interesting. Geniophobia the fear of chins.
That's correct, if you bring that card out at any dinner party you are assured immediate stardom and popularity. Enjoy your rise to fame!

Money

If you want to be truly successful in your efforts you are going to have to acquire a great amount of money. The amount in ratio to the size of your person is demonstrated by the above cartoon. You must literally own your weight in gold.

During the next few posts I will be showing you the easiest way to obtain such huge sums of money, without having to put your shoulder to the grindstone. Part of being eligible to rule to the world is a determination to do as little as possible. You will note that Hitler didn't actually do anything himself.

Money is the root of all happiness, and without it your minions will think you just a clever know-it-all. If you have money they will become devoted servants overnight. When I say servants, I of course mean 'servants' ;)

You know you understand.

Watch Out For Other People

If you are going to tell the world that your father was a brain surgeon and often took you to work with him, so you understand all the basics, but preferred going to work with your mother, a renowned rocket scientist, make SURE that there are no surgeons or rocket scientists around.

One difficult question could throw all your hard work out the window and reduce you to mere babbling in front of those you are struggling to impress.

If you are half way through an anecdote in which your father saved someone's life -when in truth he was a postman - do not backtrack, save yourself with a quick twist of your words.

Scenario 
"The young woman was so eternally grateful for such intricate surgery she offered to pay my way through Oxford University in England, although she'd never met me!"

"Oh really! What procedure exactly did your father do, I'm a brain surgeon you know, so I will understand this"

Don't blush, don't falter, just change tack.
"He's a gout surgeon"

"But young people do not get gout!"

"It was a complication that she was born with, Dad did not go into details but apparently some of her chromosomes were mixed so her metabolism allowed for gout"

Pick a subject you know about and go from there, by the end of the evening the brain surgeon himself will be swearing he wants to meet your father, and buying you all the drinks. You will now have even clever people as minions. You are well on your way.

Lie Your Boots Off

Yes, I am telling you to lie. You will have to be very careful because one slip could mean that everyone notices, you are treated like a very petulant and small child.

People do not like liars any more than they like crying babies on aeroplanes, so you will have to watch every world and remember all your lies. If possible, please try to mix some truth in with those untruths you will try to feed to unsuspecting minions. 

If you bump your nose and get a bruise, do not lie and say it was in a fight unless you have actually experienced being in a fight. If you have, draw on that experience and embellish it so you find the ladies flocking to your side.

If you are a girl, I implore you not to boast about being in a full blown fight, but more to tell some story about having to fend off unwanted attentions. Make sure you tell of the other person's injuries in specific and interesting detail.

"Well, he got to my nose, but he had these hooks on his jeans that meant I could pull him in and land my knee in, well, where it hurts. The look on his face was almost enough to make me scream with laughter, but I had unfinished business. I hit his nose so hard with the side of my hand I thought I was back at Catholic School and the Nuns were at me with the ruler again! He got blood all over his pink shirt, and I only just managed to keep it off me. A few more good slaps and punches and I left him on the floor crying like Justin Bieber. I was so shaken afterwards that I couldn't stop shivering!!"

^ I would believe that.

Buy Yourself Medals

Do you find that you are not as accomplished as that Ken Doll of a 'friend' you have that seems to have every wall in his house lined with Medals that he started to win at the age of three months? Your moment of inferiority is over my friend, buy your own medals. You can get them from shops all over your country, and in some places they are very cheap!

Failing that, I urge you to steal them.

Make sure you have an interesting story that goes with every single one of your medals and do not hesitate to tell every person who comes to your house the story of how you 'won' every one of them.
If you find your memory fails you, write it in a notebook and study it before you have visitors over. The more creative the better.

"Oh this one? Well I got that for saving Obama's Grandmother from a rapist in the church toilets"

Make sure you have something believable about every single story and if you are suspected of lying about your medals get very very angry, then condescending. You'll find that people are already lining up to be your friend. Nothing attracts minions so much as success.

Introductions

Over time many men have investigated the one true way to ruling the World. Some, like Hitler have even tried it. However, none have ever completely succeeded, until now. You may think 'How? Who? Why? Where?' - those are good questions, they show that you can think!
If you didn't think any of the above questions please close down this tab and continue with your mundane and uninteresting life.
That should get rid of those who are never going to accomplish what this blog is setting out to do. Those of you who are still here, get ready to complete the first step.

1) Follow all instructions carefully!

If you miss just one instruction you risk falling on your face in the middle of the street.

If you miss two instructions you will get Measles. For tips on how to get measles, please miss two instructions.

If you miss three you will die.

Once you start on this course there is no way back, you will either complete and find yourself with hundreds of thousands of minions to order around, or you will die.

If you complete every single word and find that you are not ruling the world, you may feel free to take us to court and sue us for every penny we've got. Of course, you may have to find out who we are first, but that is beside the point!

Enjoy!